The Fear & Doubt I Face In My Studies

Published by alvinauh on

It has been about a month since I last wrote on Steemit. It has been a month wrought with uncertainty as I am now in my final leg of my PhD studies. Ever since I started this journey of mine, it has been filled with increasing uncertainty and doubt. I want to rant on and on about how fearful I am of my future as well as the doubt I face. Instead, I would like to share what I have learned thus far.

But, before that, let’s begin with a bit of context.

The Fear, The Doubt

 

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I started studying for my PhD nearly 3 years ago. When I was given the opportunity, I thought to myself that if I paced myself and was consistent, I would be fine. I was wrong.

Throughout the 3 years my PhD project morphed was akin to a roller coaster ride. At its high, I would ace presentations and accomplish my objectives ahead of schedule. At its low points, I have experts questioning if I was sure with what I was doing. However, as time went by, when the battles lost started overtaking the battles that were won, I begin to doubt myself.

I doubt if I was on the right track. I started doubting my ability, my ideas and my work. That doubt slowly transformed into fear. I fear that if I were to be wrong,  my three years of work were for nothing. I fear that if I was not able to finish my work on time, I would be penalized. Yes, I am expected to complete this or else my government would impose a fine on me for not completing my work and a fine of 170,000 Steem is not a sum that I am willing to part with.

So what did I do?

I Powered On… Because…

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I really did not have a choice. My only option was to power on with my work. As such, I went into a Steemit Hibernation Mode or a Steembernation mode. I took the time I normally would use to work on my Steemit post and doubled my efforts in perfecting my project.

It was not easy I was so sick at looking at my thesis that there were days that I felt like vomiting, staring at my screen. However, my other alternative was to not do anything and wallow in self-pity. As such, I powered on despite how much I disliked it. I powered on because there were no other options left for me. I told myself that even if I were to fail, at least I would fail fighting.

That being said, even if I powered on, my hard work was not a guarantee that I would succeed. Even after all those nights, I still may fail. In other words, what do I do with things that are out of my control?

So What About The Things You Can’t Control?

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Some aspects of my evaluation are out of my control because of a difference of opinion. My evaluator may have a difference in opinion with how I perceive the project and may decide to fail me. As such, there is an element that is beyond my control in all this. Many people would choose different ways of curbing with this.

I, however, have found leaving it all to God to be in control. Basically, leaving it to the divine to take a load off my chest. I have always believed that there are just some things that are just beyond my control.

I have a good few months left before I have to face the panel. Hopefully, I pass with flying colors. While I can’t be sure how I would fare, one thing is for sure, I will not go out without a fight. Hopefully, you find this post inspiring and if it echoes with you in whatever situation that you are facing, do drop me a comment below.